Friday, July 28, 2017

The Phallic Gourmet: The Fine Art of Slitting Your Tubesteak

This has been sitting in draft form for too long and deserves to see the light of day, so I'm hitting publish on it, despite misspellings of the word wiener. Deal with it.  

Phallic Gourmet: The Fine Art of Slitting Your Weiners

A Photoblogging Recipe

aka "The Art of Kielbasa Grilling"

Some folks think that all they have to do is slap their kielbasa on a grill and be done with it. As with any sausage, the true artistry of sausage cooking lies in the slits.

Making of slits is necessary for three things. First, it allows for grease to be released during the cooking process, rather than be reabsorbed back into the meat, which will end up causing indigestion. Second, it allows for expansion of the meat and juices as the sausages cook. And lastly, the oft-overlooked aspect of kielbasa slitting and grilling: the aesthetic/the eye appeal.

This is especially amusing when done at a barbeque and your guests are unaware. Invariably at some point during the barbeque, you'll get a Looky-Lou, who will want to pop the lid off the grill to see what's going on. That, my friends, is what I refer to the JACKPOT or the PAYDAY.

Additional note: Ensure you have a digital camera charged up and at the ready for when this happens.

For this demonstration, you will need:
  • 1 lb kielbasa
  • sharp knife
  • a barbeque grill set at about 400 degrees, preheated
  • common sense
  1. Unwrap and inspect your weiner.
  2. Taking a sharp knife (I prefer a paring knife), and make one, long superficial slit, lengthwise down 90% of the weiner.

    [Insert photo here]
  3. Then, proceed to make smaller slits at an angle, stopping at the first long superficial slit. Keep in mind the veins of a leaf... or in this case... a weiner.

    [Insert photo here]
  4. Lastly, it will be necessary to make one circular superficial slit around the one end which does not have any slits. This is the 10% end I mentioned in #2. Use your imagination, exaggerate a big corona and notch at the end for the metus. It won't be necessary to actually circumcise your kielbasa, as when it cooks, it will expand out, thus forming the intended 'shroom effect.

    [Insert photo here]
  5. Finally! Put it on the grill and wait. Usually about 4-5 minutes each side should be sufficient, as most Kielbasa (unless you get it from a butcher FRESH) is pre-cooked.
  6. Enjoy!

    [Insert photo here]
  7. This is especially amusing if you are barbequing meatballs as well:)

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