Coq Au Vin (Cock and Booze for the rest of ya'zz)

Coq Au Vin in 10 Easy-ish Steps (Masturbation Optional)
(NOTE: WHERE THE FUCK DID THE PHOTOS GO?)

Ingredients:

1-2 lbs chicken parts (I use boneless skinless or just skinless, thighs. I find them the most flavorful & the skinless ensures an end product that is not overly greasy)

2-3 Dry bay leaves (if you don't like bay, use thyme)
Cabernet or other red wine (NOT SWEET!)

2 medium to large shallots, minced
2 garlic cloves, minced
2-4 oz Bacon, pancetta, or proscuitto (whatever pork related products you have on hand. Anything with smoke is good too)
2 Tablespoons oil
1 tablespoon cornstarch (I use rice flour, only because it's what I have on hand)
1 teaspoon Dijon mustard
1 dash Worchestershire (optional; I used it because I had it. Do not salt dish until the end if you use Worchesterchestershire sauce, as it is salty)
3-4 Cups sliced mushrooms (I use the ubiquitous white button or baby "bellas")
2 Cups chicken stock or demiglace (whatever is on hand. water works too)
1 Tablespoon buttah
Salt and pepper to taste
Garnish: OPTIONAL-- Fresh parsley or rosemary minced

PROCEDURES:

STEP ONE: THE MARINADE
One to two days before you want to prepare your coq au vin, you need to marinate your chicken. Wash it thoroughly. Smell it to be sure it's not funky. Nothing ruins a perfectly good dish by using chicken that is very close to being "off." Put your chicken in a large vessel with a sealable lid, and put the bay leaves and cover chicken with enough red wine to cover. Usually a half a bottle does it. Make sure all surfaces are in contact with booze. Seal lid and set in fridge to do its THANG. If I let it soak two days, after the first day, I stir up the chicken so everything soaks evenly. But if you forget, it's not rocket science. It'll still taste KICK-AYAZZ.

STEP TWO: THE MISE-A-PLACE
This is a fancy shmancy way of saying, "Hey asshole!! Get all dat shit together!"

BEHOLD THE SLURRY OF CHICKEN AND BOOZE:

STEP THREE: CUT UP THAT BRUISED LOOKIN' CHICKEN (RESERVE THE CHICKEN JUICE/WINE/BAY LEAF SLURRY):

STEP FOUR: RENDER PORK AND SWEAT AROMATICS:

STEP FIVE: INTRODUCE YOUR MEAT TO THE AROMATICS
Sometimes I dredge the chicken in flour first and get a good brown, but if I'm lazy (like I was the night I made this shit) I just toss it in, and then add some starch to my wine/bay leaf slurry to give the gravy body, trust me it's still KICK AYAZZ if you don't dredge and brown the chicken:

STEP SIX: INTRODUCE THE SHROOMS TO THE REST OF THE SHIT:
Make sure you toss to coat all the shrooms with all the aromatics.

STEP SEVEN: THE SLURRY
As the shrooms start to sweat and cook with the rest of the stuff, absorbing some of the flavors, you have to prepare your "slurry". Into the bowl with the chicken juice, bay leaves and wine, add the demi-glace or stock, Dijon, cornstarch, and worchestershire sauce. Stir until cornstarch is disolved.

STEP EIGHT: INTRODUCE SLURRY TO REST OF SHIT
I usually add a splash more red wine if it doesn't have a good whiff of booze, usually another cup of the Cabernet.

STEP NINE: BRING IT TO A BOIL
Let it cook for roughly a half hour over medium high heat, stirring to ensure nothing gets stuck at bottom. Now would be a good time to masturbate.

STEP TEN: THE GRAND FINALE
Stop masturbation and wash hands.
Let it cook over medium to low heat for another half hour, stirring and keeping an eye on it every ten minutes or so. We're shooting for a "glossy gravy." Once the gravy has thickened to your desired viscosity, turn the heat off. LIKE VOILA AND SHIT. YOU JUST MADE FRENCH PEASANT FOOD.

SERVING SUGGESTION:
Can be served with mashed or roasted potatoes, egg noodles, white rice, or some nice crusty garlicky bread. Trust me, the gravy is so damned good, you'll be possessed by the ghost of Julia Child (the other-worldly aparition of which looks like it was crafted from pats of Plugra) and will want to slurp this shit down with a crazy straw.

For real'z yo.

Bon chance et bon appetite!